An Introduction

Introductions are probably the most tedious part of writing. How do I begin? Am I making a good impression? Of course this is even more weird because this the first time I have written on a blog. A public, anonymous diary. Public and diary are weird in the same sentence but who am I to judge? I have read blogs before so I have a rough idea of what i'm supposed to do. My favorite blog of all time is Hyperbole and a Half. I even bought the book.

Anyway, I am Tabitha Catherine. That's my pseudonym at least. The story behind the name I chose is actually kind of funny. When my mom was pregnant with me it took her and my dad forever to pick a name. Before they picked a name she was peppered by people asking what she was going to name me. She finally got so fed up she decided to say that if she had a girl she was going to name her Tabitha Catherine so she could call her kid "Tabby Cat." If she had a boy the name would be Superfly in a reference to the song Albuquerque by Weird Al. For the record, she wasn't serious and I am not named Superfly. She really wanted a girl.

Earlier today though. A weird thing happened, I was sitting in the dining room doing summer school work when I got a feeling I hadn't felt in years. I felt like my body was all wrong. Not sick wrong or pain wrong, like I feel like I shouldn't be a girl wrong. For the most part I like switching between dressing very girly and dressing more relaxed. Acting really ladylike or slouching around and giving off a not-so-girly vibe. This was different though. I had such an overwhelming feeling of wrongness that I had an anxiety attack.

Sorry to dampen the mood.

I had felt like I shouldn't be a girl before, like I should have been born a boy. But that was years ago. When I was going through puberty and filling out I felt wrong and foreign in my body which I suppose is normal during that age. It happened when I was a kid too though. I felt like I had the wrong parts, most of my friends were boys, and when my stepmother to sit like a lady I felt like she suppressing my childlike soul of self expression and felt the accompanying anger. "Sit like a lady Tabitha your in a dress!" Yeah well i'm only wearing this dress because you told me to so this is your doing. I still have trouble remembering to sit like a lady and i'm nearly and adult which terrible enough on it's own. When I was a kid and all the boys were going through a girls are gross phase and the girls were going through the boys are gross phase, I thought girls were gross, which was a bit hypocritical considering i'm a girl.

Turns out girls aren't so icky and neither are boys. However the cootie phase really started my issues with being a girl. Before that point I did sometimes feel like I should be a boy, I was also friends with guys and girls (mostly guys) and I did on occasion think a boy or girl was cute. But I had no issues with it. Freakin' cooties changed everything.

For one, in my class I didn't like any of the girls. I thought they were to annoying. They giggled too much they didn't talk about things that interested me and I just got along with more boys. My friend who was a boy didn't mind I was a girl. I hadn't turned into a girl in his mind yet (I hate it when guy friends realize your a girl. I mean yeah they know but when they get that look and they're hey your a girl it's like oh no). He wasn't the problem. His other guy friends were. They bothered him about being friends with a girl. How dare he? They hated girls remember? And i'd get a quick apology as I was left in the dust. He wanted our friendship to be secret. I was having none of that.

My rebellion started at lunch. Second grade lunch I believe, maybe third grade. The boys and girls had decided to split themselves. Girls had the table on the left. Boys had the table on the right. One day I told my friend I was sitting with him at lunch. He became very insistent that I sit with the girls. "Your a girl. Go sit with the girls, you can't sit with the boys." However I had already decided I was going to sit with my friend. My only friend in that class.

It didn't go well first of all. I was heckled and told to leave, boys would try to take up as much space as possible so I couldn't sit down. Then I would sit at the edge of the table. As long as I was sitting with the boys I was happy. About a week into this the boys had almost started tolerating my stubbornness. Then a group of boys approached me and said that if I didn't sit with the girls they would start sending boys to sit with the girls. I shocked them by responding "Okay" and overall being totally fine with their 'threat', you do you honey. The girls responding to this by sending more girls to sit with the boys. Personally I was enthusiastic about another girl who wasn't completely repulsed by boys. Yay, a friend! No actually, she looked very uncomfortable and gave up when the booger jokes grossed her out to much. Lots of booger jokes, luckily I was immune which further confused the boys. Finally a group of girls approached me another week or so into this ordeal and decided to plead and persuade me to just sit with the girls. I gave in but was very upset. In fact I became even more of an outcast than I already was. The boys would sit together and laugh over booger jokes and other things and the girls would giggle and chat about I don't even know what. I usually sat at the end of the table away from the girls and ate my lunch in silence. The amount of guy friends I had diminished over time with sophomore year only having one and junior year having the same guy friend only I moved so I can only talk to him online and there's a time difference and yada yada yah, so we barely talk anymore.

My relationship with boys and girls has evolved over the years. For example, I am Bisexual and most of my friends are girls. I don't have many friends honestly. Who knew moving halfway across the country caused people to drift apart? Anyway, I think this is really it for an introduction. Didn't go as planned but I am not erasing this whole thing to dissect the weather and what my favorite bird is.

See you later alligator!
(What kind of sign off is that?! I'm so sorry but also not sorry)