Marvelously Dull Life

  Warrensburg, Missouri 2008 or 2009 Age seven was apparently a bad year for me. You might have heard that every 7 years, every cell in your body has died, and been replaced, essentially making you a new person. This is false -->  Here lies the proof When I was 7 I was at a routine check-up at the Doctor's. As were about to sign out I got bored of waiting for my Mom to do the paperwork, and wandered off to the Nurses lounge. I thought that Nurses had to be nice, because they help people, therefore, the perfect people to hang out with. The Nurses thought I was cute, and asked where my Mama was, and I told them. The Nurse I approached did a standard "If I poke you here does that hurt?". As my Mom approached, the Nurse asked me "Has anyone touched you inside your underwear?" to which I replied "Yes, and Daddy took pictures". My Mom, and the Nurse looked at each other. The Nurse said "You know I have to report this right?" Mom replied "Pl...

 As a kid I was sometimes held down, and forced to watch horror movies. Sometimes as punishment, sometimes not. I'm writing this just to make a record of my memories. Would I rather forget? Yes. But I want to document everything that happened so if I ever get to see my abuser on trial I have a record of what happened. There were many incidents. This one is one I've been fighting to forget. Belton, Missouri 2008 or 2009 I started acting different when I was 7. A bad kind of different. This was the age when I first started displaying symptoms of trauma. My stomach hurts remembering. Or because I didn't eat lunch. Probably both. Before: It was Adam (Dad), Erika (Step Mother), Brady (Step-Uncle, younger than me), Landon (Step-Uncle, younger than me), and Me. Adam, and Erika had rented a movie. They liked scary movies, and movies by [Director's Name], the movie was animated in his signature style. The Movie was [Movie Name]. They put the movie in, and set up the title screen...

It's late, and I'm tired. So I'll cut to the chase. I'm not known for being the most reliable writer. I mean the sheer amount of posts I've made that promise a part two, that are still sitting, and collecting dust. Well I doubt I have an audience. I don't remember how long it's been since I posted, but I'm in a bad mood so I don't even care. This is a vent. This is for me. This is NOT for my lying, cheating, douche of a now ex-boyfriend. I don't even want to get into it right now, I just want to cry or scream, or punch him in his stupid face. I know it's not my fault, but I can't help to berate myself for starting this relationship. To be honest I don't love him. I don't have a strong emotional connection to him. I feel upset, but also like I could move on tomorrow afternoon. If I decide to post again, I'll explain more. Basically my point is this: I finally get a boyfriend After years of being alone, wishing for love ...

Tabitha Catherine Peering Out of Her Natural Habitat (circa 2019, colorized) Over Winter Break I actually managed to start eating healthier. I wasn't as interested in hot dogs, PB&J, and Ramen. I started eating more fish, produce, and in general eating less processed meats. As well as seriously cutting down my carb intake. I also drank more water. Things were really looking up, I was also happier and started doing more activities that I used to enjoy (I enjoyed things again! Yayyy!) Then school started again... Today was my eighth day back and I am already eating like garbage and no longer finding fulfillment in activities I used to enjoy. Am I depressed? Nah... Anyway school has been complete nooglarkishnagin I couldn't think of a word so I made one up. I do not even know how to encompass all the stress, anger, anxiety, and emptiness that school gives me into words. Maybe a blog wasn't my best decision, I think I've always had a hard t...

Pratt Institute is a very expensive College in New York that apparently really wants me to join them. They are also one T away from being a British insult. Prat noun  informal 1. British an incompetent, stupid, or foolish person; an idiot 2. A person's butt A little education for you. Anyway this is the second time Pratt has sent me a letter. I really want to go too. The first time they sent me a letter the big, bold, yellow letters stood out to me: First to enter my mind was the thought "Who are you calling a prat!?" I was rather offended at first. I legitimately thought (for a very brief moment) that someone had sent me a letter purely to insult me. Looking at the address just confused me, who in Brooklyn New York thinks I'm a prat. Well evidently Pratt Institute thinks that I am Pratt material. I think I'm a Pratt too. The Good: My grand-mere offered to pay for me to go to College. The Bad: It's because me and my mom are to poor to afford ...

My memory is rather selective. I don't want it to be but it is. I am also a really bad procrastinator. So I just had a mini heart attack and felt sick and like I just dropped from a great height remembering I had two weeks to prepare a presentation and instead have only one more day before school starts again and I have to present. SH*T!! School has been going down the toilet and I am mega stressed. Ugh UUUUUGGGGHHHHHH! Why am I like this?!

I'm not sure if I've made this clear before but I started this blog as an alternative to therapy. Blogs cannot replace therapy BTW. I am now seeing a therapist and have finally been able to drag myself back here. Actually, the only reason i'm here is because I was checking my email. Why do I need therapy? Well PTSD aside I have anxiety and have been feeling hella depressed for about a year now so maybe depression? I've been feeling unmotivated to do anything which is really bad for several reasons. This is my Senior year so I have a lot to do. Senior Project, Community Service, Apply for Colleges, SAT, ACT, Regular old homework, and so much more! I've also been realizing how I have both been isolating myself from others and being isolated without meaning to. I have one friend at school and we barely see each other. All my online friends I haven't spoken to in about a year now. I'm bad at communication. Especially online. Overall I'm better at face-to...

             So it's about the time of night where I would say Goodnight and make my way to bed. Then sleep. However, I have decided that I don't want to sleep tonight. Why you may ask? Because I am afraid of having a nightmare. That's right. I'm so scared of having a nightmare I don't want to sleep. Last night I had two nightmares. One was about someone I love dying and the other wasn't very long but had something that definitely scared me and if I had been awake and seen that I probably would have had an anxiety attack. Alright, emotional baggage time. I have something to confess... I have PTSD. So you might wonder. What is PTSD? PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It basically happens when you experience something so traumatic that your brain can't handle it. There are three main types of symptoms. Re-experiencing the trauma through intrusive distressing recollections of the event, flashbacks, and nightmares. Emotional numbness and...

A quick update: I have not abandoned my blog, or died, or  been abducted by aliens. Also, my mother has not sold me to the gypsy's. They wouldn't take me. So long story short my mom banned me from all use of the internet since last Friday and it is only today that I have gotten use of my blog back. And only my blog. I can use the Internet for two things: 1. Blog 2. School work So I can't even listen to music. Why this is happening is a whole long blog post but since I stopped my daily posting my viewers have dropped to zero. So sorry people (please come back). I hope I haven't let you down. It's good to be back, (Home sweet blog)

In first grade my teacher Ms. Tisher introduced one the best stress relievers I have ever encountered. She primarily used it when the class was being to loud or was over excited. It worked every time and I still do it to this day when I'm just so stressed I just want to scream. Because that's what it is. Screaming. So here is how Deer in the Headlights works. Don't worry, it's fairly simple. First you have to give a warning by yelling "Deer In The Headlights!" Because otherwise you make people very concerned. Next you put your hands on either side of your head. Right hand on the right side. Left hand on the left side. Palms out and vertical so they're next to your head. Make your hands are higher up on your head. Thumbs touch your head and the rest of your fingers are spread out. Your hands are the antlers. This should make you look a bit like this: Here comes the fun part. Now you are in proper Deer position and have given the warning, you can scre...

What could be worse than school? A number of things really. However, one that is currently on my mind is summer school. Why oh why. I know why, but whoever invented it was both smart and cruel. Yes I get to earn back credits I missed but I went from school to less than a month of vacation before I went to summer school and three days after summer school, my senior year will begin. After that? College. My life is an extremely stressful hellhole (oppressive or unbearable place) and i'm so stressed all the time. I have been getting headaches and stomach aches and any ache my body can find to torment me with. Maybe my period is making it worse with hormones but I am stressed and nervous as a long tailed cat in a room of rocking chairs. I have until Friday to finish four packets. So a packet a day basically. If I don't finish them by Friday I won't get any credits and will have to take two English classes when school starts. A Junior English and a Senior English. I'm n...