Marvelously Dull Life

  Warrensburg, Missouri 2008 or 2009 Age seven was apparently a bad year for me. You might have heard that every 7 years, every cell in your body has died, and been replaced, essentially making you a new person. This is false -->  Here lies the proof When I was 7 I was at a routine check-up at the Doctor's. As were about to sign out I got bored of waiting for my Mom to do the paperwork, and wandered off to the Nurses lounge. I thought that Nurses had to be nice, because they help people, therefore, the perfect people to hang out with. The Nurses thought I was cute, and asked where my Mama was, and I told them. The Nurse I approached did a standard "If I poke you here does that hurt?". As my Mom approached, the Nurse asked me "Has anyone touched you inside your underwear?" to which I replied "Yes, and Daddy took pictures". My Mom, and the Nurse looked at each other. The Nurse said "You know I have to report this right?" Mom replied "Pl...

 As a kid I was sometimes held down, and forced to watch horror movies. Sometimes as punishment, sometimes not. I'm writing this just to make a record of my memories. Would I rather forget? Yes. But I want to document everything that happened so if I ever get to see my abuser on trial I have a record of what happened. There were many incidents. This one is one I've been fighting to forget. Belton, Missouri 2008 or 2009 I started acting different when I was 7. A bad kind of different. This was the age when I first started displaying symptoms of trauma. My stomach hurts remembering. Or because I didn't eat lunch. Probably both. Before: It was Adam (Dad), Erika (Step Mother), Brady (Step-Uncle, younger than me), Landon (Step-Uncle, younger than me), and Me. Adam, and Erika had rented a movie. They liked scary movies, and movies by [Director's Name], the movie was animated in his signature style. The Movie was [Movie Name]. They put the movie in, and set up the title screen...

I'm not sure if I've made this clear before but I started this blog as an alternative to therapy. Blogs cannot replace therapy BTW. I am now seeing a therapist and have finally been able to drag myself back here. Actually, the only reason i'm here is because I was checking my email. Why do I need therapy? Well PTSD aside I have anxiety and have been feeling hella depressed for about a year now so maybe depression? I've been feeling unmotivated to do anything which is really bad for several reasons. This is my Senior year so I have a lot to do. Senior Project, Community Service, Apply for Colleges, SAT, ACT, Regular old homework, and so much more! I've also been realizing how I have both been isolating myself from others and being isolated without meaning to. I have one friend at school and we barely see each other. All my online friends I haven't spoken to in about a year now. I'm bad at communication. Especially online. Overall I'm better at face-to...

Today was a rather slow school day. First hour was a haze of depression and Spanish. In second I learned about the beriberi problem of the 1885 Dutch-Indies. In third I had to copy 15 vocabulary words three times each. Which made my hand cramp. Fourth hour made me feel sick. There was a scene during lunch though. A girl had a spider crawling on her hair. It was crawling like an excited and hopeful adventurer on a journey. I swear it had a spring in it's step. Until it got pushed off her hair and stepped on. Fifth hour I tried reading Maze Runner but didn't really like it. Sixth was math but we had a substitute so I got to play a game with money it (Life) with three other girls. When I got to the 'Stop and get married' part I really wanted to get a pink peg and have a wife but I chickened out and got a blue peg. I was upset and kept wishing I just picked up a pink peg and had a little pink wife in my little pink car to match my pink peg and that pink peg that was my ba...

             So it's about the time of night where I would say Goodnight and make my way to bed. Then sleep. However, I have decided that I don't want to sleep tonight. Why you may ask? Because I am afraid of having a nightmare. That's right. I'm so scared of having a nightmare I don't want to sleep. Last night I had two nightmares. One was about someone I love dying and the other wasn't very long but had something that definitely scared me and if I had been awake and seen that I probably would have had an anxiety attack. Alright, emotional baggage time. I have something to confess... I have PTSD. So you might wonder. What is PTSD? PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It basically happens when you experience something so traumatic that your brain can't handle it. There are three main types of symptoms. Re-experiencing the trauma through intrusive distressing recollections of the event, flashbacks, and nightmares. Emotional numbness and...

What could be worse than school? A number of things really. However, one that is currently on my mind is summer school. Why oh why. I know why, but whoever invented it was both smart and cruel. Yes I get to earn back credits I missed but I went from school to less than a month of vacation before I went to summer school and three days after summer school, my senior year will begin. After that? College. My life is an extremely stressful hellhole (oppressive or unbearable place) and i'm so stressed all the time. I have been getting headaches and stomach aches and any ache my body can find to torment me with. Maybe my period is making it worse with hormones but I am stressed and nervous as a long tailed cat in a room of rocking chairs. I have until Friday to finish four packets. So a packet a day basically. If I don't finish them by Friday I won't get any credits and will have to take two English classes when school starts. A Junior English and a Senior English. I'm n...