Summer School Sucks

What could be worse than school? A number of things really. However, one that is currently on my mind is summer school. Why oh why. I know why, but whoever invented it was both smart and cruel. Yes I get to earn back credits I missed but I went from school to less than a month of vacation before I went to summer school and three days after summer school, my senior year will begin. After that? College.

My life is an extremely stressful hellhole (oppressive or unbearable place) and i'm so stressed all the time. I have been getting headaches and stomach aches and any ache my body can find to torment me with. Maybe my period is making it worse with hormones but I am stressed and nervous as a long tailed cat in a room of rocking chairs.

I have until Friday to finish four packets. So a packet a day basically. If I don't finish them by Friday I won't get any credits and will have to take two English classes when school starts. A Junior English and a Senior English. I'm not sure I could handle taking a Junior English class my Senior year. I'm already ashamed enough that I flunked.

So the second half of my Junior year instead of regular English I was taking English 45, a college class. I guess I brought this stress upon myself though because the reason why I failed that class is because I procrastinated. The reason I have four days to do four packets now is because I procrastinated again. Even now I should be doing work but I wanted to make a post first because I really wanted to write so why not get this out of my system. You would think I would've learned my lesson. Nope, not me...

In other news, I had pizza for dinner. No grocery shopping but they brought home pizza. I felt terrible after eating it. Not sick terrible (although I am lactose intolerant, no worries though I took a Lactaid tablet) but I felt fat and gross eating it. I could have day where I eat nothing but PB&J but for some reason pizza made me feel really self-conscious. I've never felt bad about eating pizza before. Maybe it's because I'm wearing a tight shirt? Either way, i'm hungry again but all I want is water and salad. A small bowl of salad.

Yesterday writing cheered me up but I still feel really depressed. I made a big list of things to blog about, 52 items for things I want to write. It's like a really heavy blanket of emptiness and depression has settled over me and i'm helpless to do anything. I want to bemoan my poor situation but I can't because I know I brought this upon myself. This morning I was so stressed I was calm. I've been feeling that way for a while now. But I was so excited to write something funny or witty. Memes, stock photos, my cat... Instead i'm moping about a bad situation I put myself in. I could try to cheer myself up but I should be prioritizing work. I've been putting off for a long time and am still putting it off now by writing. I have a headache that's on the right side of head, behind my left eye, and behind the space between my eyebrows. My stomach hurts and I feel really depressed and stressed. Great, now i'm just complaining.

What am I doing? With school, college, family, my life in general. I have no clue what i'm doing and I have ten months until I am supposed to be an adult? I can't do this. I'm scared and clueless and terrified. Oh jeez now i'm crying.

This is all my fault. There is no point trying to deny it, I made this mess so I must lie in it.

It looks really lumpy, I don't want to lie in that. But I must. I am going to talk to my mom for moral support. BRB (Be Right Back)

Oh! quick poem I made while talking:
I'm miserable
stressed
and kind of
depressed

*coffee house snaps fingers*

I cried, mom got frustrated at my dad. Typically all my problems (usually my esteem) can be somehow traced back to my dad. Maybe my struggle is just self fulfilling prophecy from all the times my dad told me I would fail in life. Well are some nice things to cheer me up:
1. I am funny. I have made my mom laugh (it's hard to make her laugh), I have made my friends laugh, and I have myself laugh so much I get the hiccups sometimes
2. I am nice. One time when i was a kid a baby bird had fallen onto my grandpa's parked car. I carefully picked up the bird and helped it get back to it's nest.
3. I am brave. I had to give blood this one time to see if I could be put on a certain medication and i was really scared because I had never had someone take my blood before. I gave the blood anyway (I held my mom's hand) but I did what needed to be done even though I was scared to do it. Because that is what bravery is.
4. I am smart academically. In the tenth grade I had good grades.

I feel much better. BTW, crying is not something to be ashamed of a good cry can make you feel better because the tears are carrying out the sad vibes (I am 90% sure there is a science version of what I just said because I know I read a science version of that somewhere). I still don't like crying in front of people. That is okay too. Cry as much or as little as you need to. I am going to drink some water, change into sweatpants, and do homework! Not necessarily in that order though.

It is important to drink water after crying to rehydrate yourself. Tears make you thirsty. Also, treating yourself to water and comfy clothes after a cry is basically a hug for your soul.


Goodnight!
(I love you internet. Apparently tonight has the longest blood moon eclipse of the century!)