I Should Enter A Cooking Competition TV Show
For lunch I decided to make myself some pizza bagels. Not the pre-made frozen ones but bringing out the bagels and pepperoni kind. I felt very proud of myself making them, ooh I'm using Parmesan instead of mozzarella I feel fancy (I use Parmesan because I am lactose intolerant and mozzarella makes me really sick). Then I was putting parsley and garlic salt and black pepper, as well as my 'spicy stuff' that I put on noodles and pizza:
(The words 'Cooking Contest Jr.' appear on screen.)
Announcer: Welcome to Cooking Contest Jr! The competition where kids get show us their skill in the kitchen and win $20,000 that ultimately will go to their parents. Let's meet our four contestants.
(seven year old Korbin enters and gives a winning smile at the camera)
Korbin: Hi, I'm Korbin I've been cooking since I was three with my mom at her gourmet restaurant 'Too expensive for middle class but not cool enough for celebrities' I am great at anything with vegetables because I am also responsible and healthy. I want to use my prize money to take my mom on vacation to Paris because it's always been her dream to go.
(nine year old Patrick enters and gives a charmingly cute grin at the camera)
Patrick: Hey! I'm Patrick and I've been cooking since I was five with my grandpa at his soup kitchen I am great with grilling and multitasking. I want to use the prize money to open more soup kitchens all around the world.
(eleven year old Sylvia enters and gives a cool smirk and finger guns at the camera)
Sylvia: It's Thursday my dudes! I'm Sylvia and I've been cooking meals with my dad literally every day since I was two. I'm great with basically everything. I want to use my money to cure Ebola.
(Seventeen year old Tabitha Catherine enters and tries to hide her face behind her hands when she sees the camera)
Tabitha: I'm Tabitha Catherine and uh, I thought this was a good idea until actually got here. I have no clue how long I've been cooking but I've picked stuff up and learned by watching people in my family and asking questions while they are cooking. Also I took a took a Culinary Arts Class one time. Am I overqualified? The other kids gave such good answers about the prize money but honestly I'm probably just going to use if for College. Um, I feel like a bad person now...
Announcer: Let's get into the competition!
(The four contestants stand in front of three judges wearing black aprons with 'Cooking Competition Jr' on then in red Comic Sans Font. Tabitha raises her hand)
Judge 1: Yes, Tabitha?
Tabitha: Comic Sans is a really terrible font can we change the font?
Judge 1: No
(Tabitha frowns and mutters about fonts under her breath. From the audience Tabitha's mother yells "Comic Sans is against God's Plan!")
Judge 1: I own a prestigious restaurant called 'Two month waiting period'
Judge 2: (token female judge) I have written five cookbooks from when I traveled the world collecting recipes
Judge 3: I'm a celebrity
Announcer: Let's begin! Your first task is to create an appetizer that will impress the judges! You must use olives as an ingredient. You have fifteen minutes.
(Contestants dart toward ingredients area)
Korbin: I am going to make french bread from scratch and top it with an olive paste
Patrick: I am going to make mozzarella sticks with an olive based marinara
Sylvia: I love olives so I am going to make a salad with a bunch of olives in it!
Tabitha: I'm good at pizza bagels so I'll make mini pizza bagels!
(Other kids give Tabitha strange looks)
(Contestants are in the kitchen cooking)
Korbin: Hey Tabitha aren't you a bit too old to be on this show
Tabitha: Well the show said you had to be under 18 so I'm not too old
Patrick: How long have you been cooking
Tabitha: I don't know man, I'm just good at making pizza bagels
(Aside commentary)
Korbin: This is going to be so easy, there's no way she'll win with pizza bagels
Patrick: These olive sticks are something I make with my grandpa
(TImer buzzes and contestents step forward for judging)
Sylvia (Aside): I totally forgot my lemon zest but hopefully the judges won't notice.
(First up is Sylvia)
Judge 1: This is gross, I don't like olives
Judge 2: This is literally the best thing in ever
Judge 3: You know what this could use? Lemon zest.
(Second is Korbin)
Judge 1: I still hate olives
Judge 2: I am in literall heaven right now
Judge 3: I am neutral to this
(Third is Patrick)
Judge 1: I like mozzarella sticks but hate olives
Judge 2: I am about to explode from happiness
Judge 3: Eh, it's okay
(Finally, Tabitha Catherine)
Judge 1: I love this. These bagels are fantastic
Judge 2: If this bagel was a person I would marry it
Judge 3: Will you be on my show 'Screaming at restaurants until they fix themselves'?
(Tabitha blushes as the other children look confused and slightly offended)
Korbin: It's literally just a pizza bagel! Anyone can make those!
Judge 3: Sorry Sylvia but your eliminated because that salad really needed lemon zest.
Sylvia: Tabitha really made pizza bagels and I'm being eliminated? Well at least I had a good run, I'll just have to work harder and start making pizza bagels.
Announcer: Next round you will have to make a high end dinner using lobster
Korbin: I am very happy to get this ingredient because me and my mom use it all the time. I am going to make Lobster Thermador
Patrick: I am not very familiar with this ingredient but me and my grandpa have used it before. I am going to make lobster nuggets.
Tabitha: I don't know what to do with a lobster. Wait lobsters are supposed to alive when you cook them?!
(Contestants are working)
Korbin: Your supposed to boil the lobster
Tabitha: No, it's to cute
Patrick: Are you hugging the lobster?
(Contestants step forward to present their dishes. Korbin goes first)
Judge 1: This is bad
Judge 2: I really like this. Very high end
Judge 3: It's alright I guess
(Next is Patrick)
Judge 1: Okay
Judge 2: I love these, they are delicious
Judge 3: Impressive
(Finally, Tabitha)
Judge 1: These pizza bagels are fabulous!
Judge 2: Your pet lobster is so cute!
Tabitha: His name is Larry
Judge 2: Adorable!
Judge 3: Can I adopt you?
Korbin: What the heck! Pizza bagels again?!
Judge 3: Sorry Korbin but you've been eliminated due the fact that your lobster needed more lemon zest
Korbin: Yes I am upset. But I can still take my mom on vacation. I'll just have to save my allowance for the next two months.
Annoucer: For your third and final task you must make a dessert using this one ingredient...Bagels!
Tabitha:Yes! Bagels for the win!
Patrick: The only hint of relief I feel is that she can't make pizza for dessert. The bagels feel threatening to me though.
(Contestants are once again in their kitchens)
Tabitha: What are you making?
Patrick: I'm crumbling up the bagel to make red velvet cupcakes with macrons on top. What about you?
Tabitha: Dessert pizza bagels
(Patrick is visibly sweating)
(The timer goes off and the contestants step forward. Larry the Lobster is wearing a chef's hat and an apron that says 'kiss the chef'. First up is Patrick)
Judge 1: This is good
Judge 2: I love red velvet
Judge 3: I'm surprised you can make macrons so well
(Next is Tabitha Catherine)
Judge 1: This is perfection
Judge 2: *crying from how beautiful the dessert pizza bagel is* I love it
Judge 3: I called the adoption agency, you are now my daughter and sole heir
(Patrick looks at the camera like this is 'the office' with a dead expression of annoyance on his face)
Judge 3: Congratulations new daughter you have won
Judge 2: We will still give $15,000 to Patrick's cause
Judge 1: This bagel made me love myself again
(Tabitha nods with the wisdom of the bagel)
Patrick: What the actual *censored bleeping* just happened here
Okay, my bagels aren't that good but really, it was a good bagel.
Goodnight!
(I googled the moon as a bagel and there were no moon bagels. Make it happen internet!)
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