The Event Which Shall Not Be Named

 As a kid I was sometimes held down, and forced to watch horror movies. Sometimes as punishment, sometimes not. I'm writing this just to make a record of my memories. Would I rather forget? Yes. But I want to document everything that happened so if I ever get to see my abuser on trial I have a record of what happened. There were many incidents. This one is one I've been fighting to forget.

Belton, Missouri 2008 or 2009

I started acting different when I was 7. A bad kind of different. This was the age when I first started displaying symptoms of trauma. My stomach hurts remembering. Or because I didn't eat lunch. Probably both.

Before: It was Adam (Dad), Erika (Step Mother), Brady (Step-Uncle, younger than me), Landon (Step-Uncle, younger than me), and Me. Adam, and Erika had rented a movie. They liked scary movies, and movies by [Director's Name], the movie was animated in his signature style. The Movie was [Movie Name]. They put the movie in, and set up the title screen while snacks, and drinks were set up. Brady, and Landon were creeped out, and didn't want to watch the Movie. I was excited to see the movie because the title screen had a cat on it, and I figured any movie with a cartoon cat couldn't be that bad. I did my best to calm them down, and get them to look forward to the movie a little bit. The best I managed was to make them semi neutral semi nervous. The movie started.

During: I try not to remember, but I remember the opening scene. I immediately felt sick, and wanted to leave. I asked Adam if I could leave, and stay in the back room. Adam said yes. Erika said no. She said I had to watch more of the movie before I was allowed to leave. So I was forced to stay. I don't remember when I was excused, I only remember running to the back bedroom, and popping in an Alvin and the Chipmunks DVD to block out the noise from the living room. It was an older DVD with 2D animated episodes of Halloween Specials. But, it was better than what I had been forced to see in the living room. After not a long amount of time someone (I think Erika) came to the back room, and told me that if I didn't turn the volume down then I would be brought back to the living room, and be forced to watch the rest of the movie. I turned the volume down to where I could barely hear it. But I could hear the living room. The TV in there was loud. I watched the DVD trying really hard to focus on Alvin, and the Chipmunks. Then the DVD ended, and it came back to the title screen. I was going to move to press play again, but the sounds from the Movie scared me so much I was afraid to move. I tucked my knees under my chin, covered my ears, and rocked back and forth reminding myself that it wasn't real. That didn't work very well, I was still scared. Eventually the movie ended, and everyone came to the back room. Brady, and Landon immediately tried to comfort me saying that I was right, and the movie wasn't as bad as they thought. Adam, and Erika were mad. At least Erika was, and Adam just followed her lead. I remember we went to the staircase to go downstairs. I don't remember what happened after that.

After: I suppressed that memory for a long time. For years, I didn't even remember having seen the Movie. As I heal, I remember more. I know what happened, and I told you everything I remember. On my last hospitalization I remembered something. I remembered part of the Movie. I had an anxiety attack, and frantically shoved it into my forbidden box of bad things that I'm not allowed to remember. I don't remember what I remembered, and I'd like to keep it that way

Adios,

The People Who Need To Know, Know Who I Am